By Steven Smith
Oh England, with your goalkeeper kits like the inside of an LSD users’ prefrontal cortex. There have been some absolutely, let’s not mince it, shocking goalie tops that we’ve had to endure as a nation. We’ve also had a few, again no mincing, shocking goalies so maybe, just sometimes they deserve each other. Let’s run through these Picasso-esque monstrosities.
Right, ’96 away. Okay, good keeper. No disputing that but bloody hell, that top looked like Andy Warhol got absolutely wankered at his local Dog and Aardvark pub and pissed on a red shirt and submitted it to the FA who were also too pissed to say no to it. The home top was actually the looker of the bunch, basically Sophie’s choice but with really bad fitting, uglier than your step mum goalie kits.
’88. Fuck it, I like it. It’s jazzy. It’s jazzy if you like green and zig zags. Peter Shilton had the look of a man who had been run over by an indecisive cyclist throughout the Euros in ’88.
’04. This is a sweet sweet love making goalie top. Looking like silk sheets soft enough to lay your loved one on, with David James playing the saxophone in the background while painting one of his famous pieces of artwork with his feet, picture it. Basically, this top’s getting you laid.
’94. Fuck me, This was Umbro jizzing all over a football kit, pure unadulterated football manufacturer ejaculation. It was also FUCKING HORRIBLE. As if Tim Flowers didn’t have enough to deal with, with being Tim Flowers. Must have felt like a prank, poor bloke.
’93. Tim Flowers, the Duke of ‘What The Fuck Are You Wearing-ville’. Before the Umbro monster he was forced to wear in ’94 he had to wear this gem in 1993. I imagine this is what it would look like if a gazelle spray painted itself to look like a tiger in the jungle, to fit in. Again, poor bloke.
We’re an eccentric bunch of idiots and we’re so very proud of it. We bestow the title of most eccentric bastards to our national football team goalkeepers and give them a uniform that they’ll feel at home in. Carry on you lunatics, carry on.
Follow Steven Smith on Twitter here.
If you fancy a retro football shirt (that’s slightly nicer than one of England’s goalkeeping shirts) then head to our marketplace.